the mediation of hope

Timesharing

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:08:58 GMT

Je l'ai connue sans l'aimer

Une ville où les visages se font et se défont

Inconnus et identiques

Un vestige, un héritage obsolète où les voix

Éclatent sans réponse

Je l'ai vécue sans la voir

Une âme que je cherchais à réécrire

Un vide que je n'aurai jamais comblé

La vague de ses symboles peu à peu

Se retire en essuyant de son bras

Mon nom de la rive

Je l'ai aimée sans me donner

Une intensité maladive où l'on se débat

Pour ne pas être dominé par ce que l'homme

A créé pour le servir

Par cette société qui l'élimine

Au profit d'une image aux yeux du monde

Paris a pleuré pour moi, alors que je la repoussais

Paris a pleuré avec moi, alors qu'elle m'étouffait

Paris m'a rendu ce que j'avais fui

Le réel

Le choc humain

Et Paris m'a rendue, haletante et silencieuse

À un passé aveugle

Où je n'existe que par définition

Cada guerra

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 16:59:19 GMT

Le ciel se lève pour me tirer du lit

Et sourit à la vue de mes cheveux de colère

Mes pieds nus contre la moquette

Se rappellent à peine des dalles polies

Du studio de Paris

Toujours glaciales

Et combattues de pantoufles

J'ai le cœur vide, il appelle

Il appelle l'absence pour se défaire

Des rubans qui habillaient notre intimité

Je me lève sans prier

Avec des cheveux de la résistance

Et d'un désir de me détourner

Du temps et du réel

Je m'affaisse devant l'écran

Pour y scruter un reflet de moi-même

L'intermédiaire

Natures sensibles

L'apaisement comme une drogue

Un silence, un calme, pour tolérer en soi

Des sentiments qui convergent

Et un esprit qui retient comme il perçoit

En biais et avec dédain

D’un idéalisme pervers

Rageant contre la banalité

Une météo prévisible

La chance ne rend pas chanceux

Et l’oubli dénude

Comme il libère

frostbite

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 14:50:20 GMT

so i'll let time bring me back, and i'll keep my fingers crossed that the snow has not buried my throne. so many promises i did not keep, and so many dreams to carry me safe from my emptiness... i was built on high expectations, and those foundations, insubstantial, shift beneath me like quicksand; i climbed high enough to distance myself from reality, but i waver in altitude sick with fear and frustrated aspirations. i will not move any higher from this place, but i will not jump. sighing, i've begun climbing down already; i've killed enough dreams to accept myself ordinary, and there's nothing i want more, nothing i ache for more, than the all-consuming comfort of home.

the seasons will have changed without me, and i return so much the same, so much humbled in my presumption, i will have brought with me the measurements of the sky... a filthy sky to render beautiful a forsaken hometown, a crowded sky to shape as serene my petty isolation.
and when those who have not yet accepted me welcome my return, i will feel no contempt, only a strange comfort, acceptance of familiarity.
although how any child should escape my defining tragedy i cannot fathom, beyond my ceaseless differentiation we will find ourselves circling the same prize, and we will find each other fascinated by the gap in our identical human nature.
with all my resentment, and for all my plastered self-awareness, i've only been lazy and rejected. accept me as such, thrive not in an elusive comparison, and we again, we again shall be friends.

panorama

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 19:14:49 GMT

All we are, we are
And days go by with us
Revolving imperfect, picturesque
We will accept, allow reality to be
Significant

Honour the oaths of plight
And breathe in deeply
The light of every window

For we caged birds must sing
Sing to make this hearth
The center of our universe

To give without purpose
To supersede the strive

Wouldn't it save you
Wouldn't it save you

Collected origins

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 14:52:40 GMT

it seems i've lost control, and it seems to be alright
i've thought to smooth out the impulses,
and underwrite my longings
but all in all i'm searching for myself
within these mistakes and upheavings
while insanity simmers low, i don't feel uprooted
and while i hide out here, i feel safe
i dream up the near future with the pieces i've collected
and in the end the puzzle's image is blank
and only the background in the mirror has changed.
because i brought my demons with me,
and left most my friends at home
the indigestion remains, but the heartburn is gone

Choosing between Crest, Colgate, and plaque

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 22:05:58 GMT

What is impossible, what is extraordinary? It is only that which is thought unlikely, that which I would not think possible, is it only a matter of perception, expectation, perspective? Is it then not an external phenomenon, but a question of refusing probability to instead embrace possibility? How may I dissociate the reckless, limiting mysticism of faith from simple guts, commitment, and wide open eyes? The barriers of routine, example, reference... So supple, so easily permeated by imagination; how is it that we are only momentarily inspired by entertainment-framed visions? Could consumerism truly be subconsciously oppressive, or are we in fact satisfied with the lifestyles choices and opportunities available to us in the First World?
If I make an atypical lifestyle choice, unrelated to an articulate philosophy -if I choose to sleep in a hammock, if I build a generator, if I purchase nothing for extended periods of time- I become unidentifiable to others, I exist in part outside of the system of lifestyle choices that is the basic structure of society.
And it's such a wide place. If, one by one, I refuse habits and traditions I once took for granted -if I change the way I eat, if I change the way I care for and use my body, I will eventually have to choose either to remain in part embedded in the system, or to extract myself from it. And if I choose to remain, do I compromise my beliefs, or convert my environment to suit my ideals? The system becomes at once the limit to my lifestyle choices and the necessary network and template to create my own system-island, or micro-system.
And what if I lack an elaborate philosophy to tie together my choices? What if they are relative to their domain, to personal curiosity and interests; what if these choices were made separately, intuitively, without an overriding principle from which to draw theory and pattern? Would I simply be said to think for myself? Would I be able to connect with others who similarly sought their own lifestyle choices, but drew different conclusions? No such community would be manageable on a large scale.
Perhaps we have sought to gloss over interpersonal gaps (the inability to fully identify with another individual... a principle of individuality, really) with similar lifestyle choices, thereby sharing mundane, intimate routines. Perhaps the First World, middle-class system has made us manageable as individuals, but also enabled us to identify to one another as humans with similar lifestyle choices and aspirations... Levelling out the unlikely, the impossible and the extraordinary, for a stronger human bond constituted by a limited, though perhaps not altogether skimpy, selection of First World, middle-class expectations and opportunities.
Has capitalism brought on consumer communism?
To this thought, I can only say one thing:

Go Jesus.

forehead scribe

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 12:45:03 GMT

You insecure, angry man

Your cynicism has shaped your expectations

And has only made you wary

You accuse me of vagueness

For you wish to take literally

The feces that are these words of mine

Excess, digested thoughts I reject

To light of a load my mind

Demean this practice again and I'll bite

For your prejudice against contemplation

Is only a projection of your own paralysis

Now hush, be humble

Avow that which is mine, and a part of you

Meanderer

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 03:11:38 GMT

Wandering through myself, wandering beyond the present
I find suspicion, doubt, fear
And such a quiet, resiliant resignation
I know not how to hope
And preserve faith in this ideal
Have I indeed converged our lives in abstraction
To render us helpless to deception
Barren to commitment and affection
In a future we do not control;
Have we dreamt up a security blanket
To evade the futility of forever?
My solitude has protected me;
And in this looming fusion I perceive
The leacherous side-effect of a leap of faith.
I hesitate to outgrow ideals for which I have no second set
I fear to quit that which has bought me sanity
I fear to commit to that which may render me insane
All truth transient, can I admit an expiry date
To an absolute?
Can I allow myself to nurture doubt
A moment before communion
Can I allow myself to search grim reality
And common sense
Before I give life to the impossible?
He is not the aim,
And so I must keep faith in my own strength
To tend to this garden, vulnerable to
Yet no longer at the mercy of
Weather

A week before, a year past

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 14:51:49 GMT

Again the quiet, again this loaded, loaded solitude

A place in time, Keeper, surrender me concordance

Dissolve the illusion of moments elapsing

And restore to me unity, an identity unstretched along worlds and

Generations

Evanescent omnipresence, touch me with wisdom for the present

And calm for the future, for I have learned to accept

So little

I know your price, Keeper

And I have come prepared to meet it

Propulsion of a homebody into the world

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 05:49:24 GMT

Live-in waiting room, a body of hope sequelled in distance and phonecalls... I've fucked my own brains out for nine months and I'm now due in ten days. From dialtone to lit-up seatbealt sign, only a hometown to put out of mind. A minute here, ten months in a place called impossible, a draft of reality in the balance. I'll spook fate with indifference, and run home to week-old friends with only my life to look forward to. And maybe light my conscience of a few cows.

Stretched thin

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 03:58:31 GMT

The silence is too strong this evening
I fear it will win;

Free me, please...

I am singled out.

I close my eyes
I mute my indignation

And I retreat further still
To where being alone
Will mean nothing

I have surrendered impulse
And rocked in stability
The livelihood of emotion

I fear I can no longer retrieve myself
From the numbness of sanity
From the limitations of integrity

In this cage I am protected
And I am disarmed
In this prison I am alone
And alone I am powerless

botched prayer

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 00:21:41 GMT

You are dead, friend
Dead and gone
Time flies by and you've been but a glimpse
Seen but a glimpse
And the chapter was brought to a halt
The book slammed shut
I have taken from you
And you cannot be happy with what you have found
What could have been is now shot
And really, it matters not
I did not dream
And I did not force
What happened
I've come to peace
Surrendering the anger of hope
And I need not more than a fleeting image
Of the dirt in which you lie
To push from me
Your memory
We part ways and my plans never have changed
We part and you have disappeared
Good luck to us both

Codex

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 00:20:43 GMT

A game beyond forgiveness
A senseless drive
Draws forth temptation after
Temptation
Slowly shredding safeguard illusions

Not a thought, not a feeling
To repress this craving
To withhold that which is no longer mine
Strike now, foe, fill me with satisfaction
Or seal me maiden
To him...

Silent night

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 00:20:08 GMT

There's no getting around it tonight
As I stretch out forearm, and fingers;
The quiet air commands my attention,
And I am pulled away from myself

I sigh and know I have reached out;
Tonight only patience
Will overcome the need

I have been driven from my shell
To meet bars of solitude
And tonight I remember-
The hermit is not immune

The cage is empty
And I roam freely, at least

I now exist in a continuum;
And the sacrifice tonight
Strengthened by past cries of release,
Will fade by morning

And so the anger fails
And the disappointment is lulled;

I rest my shoulder and cheek
Against the many resolutions
That have come to shape my prison,
And I caress its bars of judgment

As I toy with the same,
Familiar doubt
I hope one day to escape

The fraud of self-sufficiency

no pillowfights before bedtime

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 00:19:48 GMT

No pillowfights before bedtime
She pressed the tip of the blade
Against the tip of her forefinger
"Ends meet..."
And she smiled to herself in derision
She set the knife down and looked up
Taking in her reflection.
She should have flinched; she in place searched her face
For either hope or fatality
The image before her was not one she could read.
She gazed at her open palm, slammed her hand onto the wide
blade
Clasped it with enough force to sense the sting of the
weapon's threat.
"Can I not create?"
She looked away, her chin brushing her shoulder,
Fingers wound tightly around the knife
She closed her eyes
Held back a sigh
"I am corrupting you too, second innocence."
She straightened, threw her head back
The first tears swept her temples, stained her hair
In the next moment her jaw clenched,
And she once more faced her reflection
"I know only anger and you, only retribution
I punish you
To earn the right to forgive myself;
You strive for death, while I struggle to retain a purity
I no longer hoped for.
We limit one another. Free me, and I will slay you."
She uncoiled her fingers from the silver blade, and
Fell to the floor
The sound was answered by that of quickened footsteps,
And two hands
Lightly pressed her shoulders;
She would not meet his eye,
She shook her head as she heard him
Tentatively lift the knife, mute
"I cheated on you."
She could feel his head snap towards her, and she
Imagined he clenched the weapon
"One time too many."
She felt him approach, and she withheld her tears
Held her breath
Until she let out a cry of release, her guilt escaping
"Your purity for mine..."

Raise an empty glass

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 00:18:57 GMT

Somewhere along the line, I don't know why
I seem to fall to the bottom of the list
And become the one
Who will 'understand'

As though I did not feel
As though I would not stoop to care

I almost told him the same as I once did
To the Swan,
The damn bitch I defended while she
Flew away

'Stay away, then
I have no use for memories
Or the empty shell of a friend'

But we're not there yet;
I have yet more disappointment to undergo
And I threw more
Second chances his way

Don't ask me why, because you and I both see
The sand running through my fingers
---Because denial is hope for the disheartened

Don't you see that I'm leaving
Because I have nothing to leave behind?
I've given up on those
Who've taken me for granted

I fire yet another friend
For quitting

And I repudiate rejection
So as to be left alone...

The sickening smell of saturation

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 00:18:30 GMT

Another week spent waiting
For you to contact me
Your earnestness is overshadowed by your silence
And my trust is degrading

We overstepped a boundary
And I still don't know if you care
You won't commit to more than safe concessions
And I know you are not so single-minded

I pushed. You gave in
I hate that all you have to be
Is passive
I'm tired of hoping for the conditions to fall
And I'm tired of your defenses

I want a friend, and you've become more and more
Scarce
I'm sorry to think you are not willing to care
And that I am not worthy enough an acquaintance

I hoped you could tell me how you dealt with the guilt
If you felt any
I hoped you could tell me how you felt
But you've not even been here
And I've answered it all myself

Meeting you has given me
So much
And I've alighted with new hope,
New doubt
And new hesitation

What I saw as a crystalline connection
Has thickened to murky attraction
And I know not if
I could have hoped to retain your attention
Any longer

Can we be friends?
Can you be there?
I have been too understanding
And your honesty has been too selective

You feel vacant
And I feel insecure

And since I've met you I've been on the verge
On the verge of reverting back
To the numbing comforts of abandon

You helped me find a Quiet
A Quiet for myself
Will you come fucking share this with me?!

R.I.P quiet fool

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 00:17:41 GMT

again this quiet air, again i thrive
remember me, world?
i come to commune with you in silence,
so often now
in my solitude i dwelve beyond my individuality
and you and i, once more, meddle in infinity;
whole, separate and indefinite
only a glimpse of life
i have become aware of what lies
beneath your motion and balance
a pool of humanity, barely rippling at the surface
yet whose depths continually storm

again a familiar place

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 00:17:05 GMT

again a familiar place
in time
numb expectations, a tired scream
this weeping manner... how justified
how legitimate?
safe cluster of indulgences
of which i may never again
step out
even my cries sound
rehearsed
exercising integrity
i enslave so many impulses
cage my corporeality
regression and evolution
are here confounded and i
live apart, aside
where so little ever applies...
and everything is left
to interpretation;
with emerging professionalism
at human contact
i become an industry
of empty manipulation
and of powerless
sincerity

washing past

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 00:16:30 GMT

tie to me this memory,
shelter me while i bask in this
in this moment separate
i've cradled myself in meeting you
taught this solitude to free me

pretty ghost, haunt me still
for i cannot pursue you
the hushed hope you carry, i suffer to forget

how i wish to flee with you past
the motions of reality
how i pray to still in in your quiet whistles
and your evanescent hold

i bow, Keeper, i bow to your wisdom
i cannot offer myself whole;
and it is the fleeting quality of your touch
which perpetrates your influence beyond
dominions of time

Photo Album: Paris Bis

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 22:49:38 GMT

Paris Bis

a la bonne heure

HIPOPOTAMUS REPRESENT

la cousine libanaise en exil et son copain

lulu et trunk 018

lulu et trunk 019

lulu et trunk 022

lulu et trunk 023

lulu et trunk 024

my good old wife

More Photos...

Photo Album: Août 2006, Paris

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 18:46:00 GMT

Août 2006, Paris

Photo sans titre

Thunderboat 003

More Photos...

Photo Album: November 05

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 04:31:12 GMT

November 05

bluedemon

camomiiiiiille

khisanth

mysticroom

yuna

il galaxia

shoush